Who would have thought I would celebrate my 50th cereal of the cereal quest with Muesli? Certainly not me. But I quite often don’t think things that end up happening. So was it a celebratory cereal, did Dorset Cereals Simply Delicious Muesli taste so good that I was I tempted to put 50 candles in it? No. It was a massive disappointment with a horrible unexpected twist. I started it on the Monday I was instantly disappointed, yet again Dorset Cereals miss out on the vital ingredient of muesli which as we all know is, milk whey powder, there is simply nothing to bind the ingredients together, it doesn’t taste nice and creamy and despite pouring milk on it the Dorset Cereals Simply Delicious Muesli tasted watery. All this is bad, but what is worse is the slightly delayed realisation that for some reason they decided to add prunes to the mix, prunes, danger, prunes, pain, prunes, IBS, prunes, me not like. It was day 2 when they hit when I had an ‘incident’ in Little Chef, I wrote to them to let them know I had a little issue with their establishment:
Re. Little Chef on the Northbound A34.
On Tuesday I had to travel to Manchester from the sunny South of England, we were up bright and early, I tiptoed through the house like a mouse wearing those slippers that have carpet on the bottom as my wife had made it very clear that if I was to wake our daughter up at 5.30am I may well not enjoy the ‘chat’ we had when I got home. I was not really looking forward to such a long drive, especially a long drive which involves the most frustrating road in the country, the A34. The good news was that we knew you would be waiting for us as our journey up the A34 was nearing its end. As we approached we saw your Little Chef man smiling, looking like a 10 year old who had just completed a dance routine in a middle school musical and he entice us inside to try some of the delights he had to offer. I didn’t need to peruse your menu for long, I was hungry as I had resisted having cereal at home and instead decided I would have cereal in the evening and something from you on the journey for breakfast. That something was to be your Olympic Breakfast. The breakfast itself was quite nice, although no need for a tomato in my opinion, I would have quite happily swapped the tomato for another sausage because as the old saying goes “It takes more than one sausage to make a swan jump hurdles.”. I was full up after I had eaten it, I sipped at my now over stewed tea and my stomach gurgled. Yesterday I had started eating Dorset Cereals Muesli, unfortunately I did not read the box before I ate my bowlful and only later did I realise the rather unnecessary and unwanted addition of prunes to the mix. Prunes are like wasps, there is no point to them and when you get close to them they bring you to tears. Unfortunately after enjoying my Olympic breakfast and sat comfortably in the booth you provided my stomach started cramping so I had to depart the conversation with my colleagues and venture in to your enjoyably decorated toilets, I felt at peace with the bird song and cleverly painted scenery all around as I sat down to help clear out what had become a bit of a curdled mess in my intestines. I was relaxed and that helped me, until suddenly the toilet I was sat on flushed causing me to bolt forward in shock. As my body relaxed again I leaned back again to resume what was becoming quite a drawn out trip, as I leaned back the toilet flush again, effectively acting as a bidet, this was unappreciated. Despite what the French think bidet’s are not luxurious, they are not enjoyable and they are certainly not enjoyable when they are a surprise bidet, if I want to wash I will wash in a bath or shower, or if desperate, in the rain. As the toilet water now surrounded my buttocks and non-discussables I reached for some toilet tissue to dry myself, but then as I went to dry myself it flushed again. It was at this point I realised that you have got toilets with a hand sensor flush which ordinarily is no bad thing (hygiene wise) but you had positioned the flush activator directly behind the back of the toilet user, in this case me. This is foolishness of the highest order. I had to complete my trip in the most awkward of positions, it must have looked like I was sniffing my shins. I doubt it was your personal fault, perhaps if I hadn’t of eaten muesli containing prunes I wouldn’t have ended up sniffing my shins but please do something about the positioning of the flush sensor. It spoilt a nice breakfast trip.
P.S – Thanks for the lollipop.”
They are yet to reply. Nor have they published the letter to their feedback section on their website. The prunes continued to lay in to me like a Chun Li’s kick on Street Fighter, non stop pain to my stomach. I was far from happy with Dorset Cereals Simply Delicious Muesli. At one point I found myself struggling to even digest them, I couldn’t swallow them knowing that each spoonful accounted for approximately another 2 minutes in the loo. I wouldn’t recommend these to anyone. This week I also played rubbish at football, and sweated plentifully in the evening. All in all far from a classic.
Here is my review for Dorset Cereals Simply Delicious Muesli:
Cereal Cost: £2.99
Real Servings per Box: 6
Cost per Serving: 49.18p
Pros – Weight loss.
Cons – Awful for IBS, prunes, watery taste, expensive.