The Cereal Quest: Day 94 – Running on Empty

Today I was excited to see what effects Dorset Cereals Proper Raspberry Porridge had on my footballing abilities. I’ve heard it said that porridge is good as it is slow burning carbohydrates. Most Mondays I usually have cereal at least for breakfast and lunch but I knew that I couldn’t do that with porridge because of IBS. So I had a nice hearty bowlful this morning, it was OK but the raspberries in today’s portion seemed to give less punch flavour wise than they usually do. Maybe after 4 days I am just used to them. I got to work and nearly immediately I had a feeling that today was the day my body would react to the fact I have been sending oats it’s way for four days now. I wasn’t wrong. Four times I had to go to the loo at work today with an upset stomach, on one occasion for 20 minutes, after which my boss went to use the loo and walked straight out again deciding to get some fresh air instead and walk his dog. I had nothing left in my body, I ached and felt weak which was perfect as I was playing football tonight in -2 degrees which according to the met office was actually -9 degrees with wind chill. My porridge from this morning seemed a long time ago And it showed, after 90 minutes in freezing windy coldness, literally playing on patches of ice at times we lost 12-0. Strangely the game was fun though. I got home and was still happy we had played, I had my bath which felt like I was being poached and got out and went downstairs, I was still shivering and my body was like that of a frozen turkey at Christmas, impossible to defrost, unfortunately I don’t fit in the microwave.

One thought on “The Cereal Quest: Day 94 – Running on Empty

  1. I feel a personal connection with your quest now that you have embarked on the porridge section of the journey. I don’t like most cereals but the cold, winter months see my searching the more obscure parts of Sainsbury’s shelves for Scott’s Old Fashioned Porage Oats. Why do you suppose they spell it like that? Might it be that it saves on the cost of the letraset? With last week’s Spring-like weather I had resumed my home-made muesli (itself worth a diversion on your quest) but this arctic north wind numbed and changed my mind. I came in from my morning prayers at church and opened a new box (it’s never a ‘packet’ – why’s that?) of oats. I measured them out: a particular small mug two thirds full. My method is then to add similar amounts of milk and water. I put the mixture on the oven hob (why ever would you expect someone who eats Scott’s Old Fashioned porridge to have a microwave?) and had an uneasy feeling I had omitted the water, but couldn’t feel certain and felt confident I could remedy that if it began to look a little too thick. Because, predictably, my wife says I can’t muli-task I, predictably, try to do so, and set about recording a piece of music from one cassette tape to another, a process now as weird and antiquated as Scott’s oats or not having a microwave. Then the phone rang. This entailed my leaving the room, as the loud African beat of the music might sound rather unprofessional in a vicarage at 8.45am. It was an unlikely person calling who, it turned out, was hoping I would provide a reference for a job application. That the conversation was a little involved meant that on returning to the kitchen the tape had over played disastrously, and the porridge had boiled nearly dry. Now I felt certain about the failiure to add water. I should have given in at this point. I even considered throwing it away, but how do you do that with burnt porridge? Into the bin seems disgusting, but putting it down the toilet always reminds me of being sick. So, instead, I added water and hoped it would mix together and restore a nice consistency. This works while it’s cooking but I wasn’t sure about when you have over-cooked it. Then the door bell rang. It was my administrator arriving to help me with work. I apologised and she returned across the permafrost to the cold office in the church hall while I completed my own small, increasingly desperate quest to have some breakfast. I ran back to the now boiling experiment. My fears were realised. Over done Porridge and water do not mix . Why is that? And who would have supposed that porridge contains so many mysteries? I poured it into the dish, but it just looked like a collection of lumps floating in hot water. So I braced myself and headed for the toilet with the bowl, when the door bell rang. It was your mother, Phil. And I thought, I’m not man enough for even one day’s quest. Leave it to the expert. God bless your onward journey, friend, and bring back the answers to these and other breakfast mysteries.

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