Today I started back on the quest. Like the time my taste develops throughout the day whilst I am still a bit poorly. Therefore to give accurate information to the quest I had my cereal in the evening. I opened a large sack full of various cereals I had been generously given by my brother for Christmas and plucked out ‘Lion Cereal’, which despite its name does not contain any Lion, nor do I believe it is a cereal for Lions.
This was exciting, I had never had this cereal before, it’s cost to packet size ratio is abysmal, but luckily I didn’t pay for them. Now in my experience Lion bars (from whom this cereal is based) are tasty but leave your face tired, you get a full jaw workout trying to chew them, I was intrigued to see how they might make the switch to cereal, would they take me the best part of an hour to eat as I tentatively chomped whilst trying to keep my teeth in tact? No, no they wouldn’t. You see it doesn’t actually contain any part of a Lion Bar, they just put their name to it (think David Beckham and Sharpie Pens). I looked up about Lion Bars and found out that a) when they were first released they were trialled in Dorset which is where I live now, exciting and b) It consists of a filled wafer, caramel (30%) and crisp cereal (in the original recipe this was Kellogg’s Special K)(4%) covered in milk chocolate (41%). this was very interesting as Nestlé Lion Bars used Kellogg’s Special K in them, doubt that would happen these days. It’s the equivalent of Man Utd letting Man City borrow Van Persie.
None of the above list of Lion Bar ingredients appear in Lion Cereal, Lion Cereal are teeth shaped, crispy, chocolate and caramel flavoured cereal bits. They do NOT taste like a Lion Bar, they taste like a sweeter chocolatey caramel version of the scraps you get at the bottom of a bag of chips. The milk turns chocolatey not the same flavour as Coco Pops milk, more like a cold hot chocolate with some fudge chucked in. The milk is by far the best bit so they leave you on a high.
This morning I decided to have my cereal at the traditional time of morning, 7.30am. I can honestly not explain how sweet Lion Cereal is, it is enough to give you a massive sugar high for approximately 3 hours 17 minutes, at which point your body crashes and you either need more Lion Cereal or you need to prepare yourself for an emotional fall.
I got by and made it until lunch albeit feeling slightly sluggish. I popped to Tesco and I was feeling very tired, I didn’t have the energy to enthuse my face, unfortunately this was unhelpful when I pulled in to my parking space. Sat in the passenger seat of the Mini Cooper next to me was a man about 25 years old, he looked like a giant had been shoved in to the car, you could easily imagine that he could wind the windows down, hang his arms out and push the car along with them, he was trying to eat a chicken pasta salad in a confined space. At the exact time I looked over to my right he spilt some mayonnaise covered chicken, it dribbled down from his mouth to his chin. He knew I had seen it, I knew I had seen it, my face knew I had seen it, I would ordinarily have shared a chuckle, perhaps a smile, but I was on the Lion Cereal crash, instead of an ordinary facial response I just looked bored and disgusted in his general direction. I walked off towards the shop, quickly, in my head ashamed of missing the opportunity to share this comedy moment with a giant. Upon my return to my car he was nowhere to be seen, he probably used his arms to pick up the tiny car and move it elsewhere.
The moral of this story is that Lion Cereal can mean you miss the opportunity to laugh with giant people who are trapped in tiny cars.
This morning my wonderful wife let me have a lie in, once up I sat down to enjoy my bowl of Lion Cereal, my daughter shuffled over, separating herself briefly from her toys and knelt up trying desperately to scavenge some cereal from me, despite having just finished a hearty bowl of porridge. The negotiations took a while but one of the few perks to LionCereal is it stays tough and doesn’t collapse under milk pressure, its strong as an ox, a very sugary ox. In the end I gave her a bit of the Lion Cereal, she enjoyed it but wasn’t fussed for more. I would say that pretty much sums this cereal up. Its OK but not worth getting excited about. I struggle to finish a portion of it which is incredibly rare for a cereal.
This evening we had a 5p poker evening complete with a curry, I couldn’t finish that either. One friend ordered 2 Peshwari naans to go along with his curry, he too couldn’t finish, wasteful, foolish man.
I would guess I have about one portion left of the box of Lion Cereal, I am not sad about this. I now realise why the boxes are so small.
This morning I woke up thinking only one bowl of these heavily sweetened lion teeth shaped cereal bits. I was wrong, unbelievably for a box that is to cereal boxes what the dwarfs were to Snow White, there is still another serving in there, its like Narnia.
On a positive note I got to use the 2nd of my engraved spoons, 2nd not in how I rank them but in the order I have used them. Unfortunately due to being ill and in my own little world at Christmas I do not know which brother brought me which spoon. This one is smaller but impressively it is engraved on the face of the spoon rather that the handle.
I should quickly say that although I am quickly bored of this cereal it still tastes a million times better than ‘Fruit Loops’.
Today finally saw the end of the Lion Cereal which was one of the several boxes of cereal my kind brother bought me for Christmas, I know that publicly moaning about a gift for about a week isn’t really the done thing but I am sure he will appreciate me saving you the misfortune of suffering them yourself. Lion Cereal consumption was completed at around 3:00pm, it is a Monday and therefore I wanted to see how it effected my performance in the evening when we play football weekly. It’s not for me to judge but I would say I played OK, I certainly didn’t palm the ball in to my own net under no pressure or get sulky when conceding a throw in that clearly ricocheted off me last.
Before I went to eat my last bowl of Lion Cereal (hopefully ever) I scanned the box only to see what I would term an ‘outrageous fact’. Nestlé have tried to make this cereal seem healthy by doing some comparisons, unfortunately their comparisons are about as legitimate as saying I once had long hair, so did Lionel Messi, therefore I am as good at football as he is (although I have yet to see him do the 360 spin without ball to perplex the opposition that occasionally comes out on a Monday night). Here is the back of the box:
They have compared 2 slices of white toast with margarine and jam or 2 crumpets with margarine to ‘a bowl of Lion with semi skimmed milk’ which seems a) vague and b) annoying that they are shortening name to just be ‘Lion’, like they are a Brazilian footballer circa France ’98. I looked in to what their ‘bowl’ was, it is 30 grams. Which in lion cereal looks like this:
It barely covers the base of the bowl! ‘Lion’ It is to cereal what fudge is to pick ‘n’ mix, cumbersome. No wonder 30 grams of this has less calories that crumpets and toast, 30 grams is nothing, you would consume more chewing air. This annoyed me, you may have guessed.
Here are the real ‘facts’ that you need to know about Lion Cereal:
Cereal Cost: £2.49.
Real Servings per Box: 5
Cost per Serving: 49.2p
Pros – Strong til the end in the fight against soggy cereal.
Cons – Expensive for such a small box, far too sweet, awful packing ‘facts’.
My day was getting confused and frustrating, I left work and on the way home I drive through a little town called Ferndown. I stopped at traffic lights because they were red and that is the rules. A tiny old lady crossed over very slowly, almost like there must have been a hidden camera somewhere, she was a shell on her back away from being a tortoise. She has a dog which was also incredibly small, so small that when walking its legs went higher than they went forward, which meant it had a humourous walk, almost like it was mocking its slow, although I am sure lovely, owner.
After the traffic lights I thought I would try the new KFC drive through (it is exciting to have a KFC within 20 minutes of my house and I had not tried it yet), I drove up and thought I will be sensible and save a bit of cash, “just a Zinger burger and a small Tango please”, I said in a polite voice, “thank you sir, that will be £4.28, please pay at the next window” a voice said, I thought that seemed quite a lot, then as I continued round in what was the smallest drive through ever (they have crammed a KFC in to an old Volvo garage) I saw a sign saying Zinger Burger Meal, (including Zinger burger, chips and drink) only £4.29. Only 1p more than what I had paid!! I can not believe she didn’t let me know I could have spent 1p more to get chips. It was playing on my mind a lot on the way home, I couldn’t wait to tell my wife when I got home that KFC had seen me coming, as I approached my front door I spotted a large cobweb running across it with 2 spiders on, unfortunately I was in my KFC story telling zone so acknowledged the spider web, unlocked the door and proceeded to walk straight into the spiders and their web face first, I then did what all people do when getting a face full of spiders web, I jumped backwards, then looked around to see if any of the neighbours had seen me jump backwards, then I looked disgusted at the door like it was its fault and slowly walked through the door unnecessarily crouching to avoid a spiders web that was no longer there. What a day.
All this and I forgot to say my good friend Darren delivered a special gift to me today, tomorrow the cereal quest goes continental!