It feels fairly unbelievable that this Cereal Quest has been going for a year, I celebrated in appropriate fashion;
The quest has been topsy turvy so far, I have pushed boundaries particularly oat ones in ways someone with IBS never should. I have put my body on the line, I have collapsed twice and spent over a week on the toilet. So far on The Cereal Quest I have had 70 different cereals, today I finished my 70th, Ready Brek Chocolate, in short it is another poor attempt from a cereal manufacturer to encourage kids to eat a healthy cereal by calling it chocolate when in truth it is has minimal chocolate flavouring, the chocolate flavour is like your ring finger, you know it’s there but in truth it serves little or no purpose. I woke up in a celebratory mood, how would I spend the big day? At work. I got there hoping maybe someone would have put on a surprise party, I was wrong, Max the over zealous Springer Spaniel licked my kneecaps, great. Work was fine and I popped to Tesco’s, I needed a new cereal to start tomorrow. The problem I now have is that I have massive memory issues, you can ask my wife, whatever her name is. The cereal selection process is taking me longer than ever before, I stand there browsing the shelves for a cereal I haven’t had before but I just can’t remember, I have picked up many a cereal box only to place it back on the shelf after remembering I have already had it. All the normal customers just walk up, pluck something from the shelves and walk off, their lives are so simple. I have now had to start searching this website on my phone whilst perusing the shelves, today I hadn’t realised how long I had been scrolling up and down the list of cereals so far, I hadn’t responded to the polite “Ahem..” from the lady behind hoping this hint would make me move, the other side of the aisle had been blocked off by a huge bizarrely placed display of Ambrosia Devon Custard, I would estimate there were 500 tins of custard and one puzzled looking buffoon was blocking this womans way to the corn flakes she was after. So she did as any other middle aged woman would have done, she nudged my left buttock with the rolled front edge of her shopping trolley, subtle, I felt it, but I was in a daze, my focus was purely on cereal selection. By the time I had turned around with my ‘sorry I was just seeing what cereals I have eaten over the last year’ face on she had already pulled back and started on the next more forceful nudge, this time into my right thigh as I turned. Now I didn’t know what face to pull, I was preparing an apologetic face but now I needed to switch to a face that said ‘stop ramming that trolley in to me’ but also at the same time look a bit apologetic, I failed, I just looked grumpy, I stepped back, tripped over 500 cans of custard and let her walk past with an exaggerated arm indication (as if directing traffic). She then made a “hmmmph!” noise and we both got on with our lives. I found a cereal to start tomorrow, it will be a sign of how far I have come since the quest started. Now when I started this quest I wanted it to be educational, I wanted to help people see advantages and disadvantages of cereal so here are a few helpful tips for you.
Fancy collapsing, smacking your head on a sink on the way down and spending the next 8 days in bed over Christmas? Knock yourself out, try Jordan’s Country Crisp with Raspberries.
Want to scare an elderly woman in to thinking you are mugging her? You want Kellogg’s Krave Chocolate Caramel.
Want to impress your child/children? Try Kellogg’s Ricicles.
Looking to conceive a child? You want Kellogg’s Coco Pops Coco Rocks.
Need terrible serving suggestion advice? But also want to receive great news and happiness? Go for Weetabix Ready Brek.
Thinking of announcing your retirement from International football? You need Kellogg’s Special K with Strawberries and Chocolate.
Want to upset lovely friendly people and get a long term knee injury all in the same weekend? Grab some Honey Monster Choco Wows.
If you want to get scammed by a cereal claiming it will help you lose weight yet has more fat, sugar and calories than really unhealthy cereals get some Special K, any variety.
Finally a big thank you to Mrs B who has endured hour upon hour of hearing me tap away on this keyboard, she is awesome.